By Chris Gere
Against all the odds, the NHL has finally gotten something right. On Monday, the league announced that leading into its first week of play, zero of its 4,256 administered tests came back positive. It stands in stark contrast with Major League Baseball, whose Miami Marlins are in the midst of an outbreak, while a handful of NFL players have already opted out of the 2020 season.
With the Phase 3 hurdle cleared, the cloud of impending disappointment has dissipated to reveal a more jovial tenor. A Tuesday Tweet by Bruins star David Pastrnak suggested that Washington Capitals power forward Tom Wilson was the league’s best goal scorer, simultaneously elicited confusion and evoked thoughts of summer-camp antics.
Many theories surfaced as to the Tweet’s impetus, the most common of which involved teammate Brad Marchand stealing his phone, Wilson hacking his account, or losing a game of truth or dare. I, however, think there’s something much more exciting at play.
The circumstances surrounding Pastrnak’s return to North America and his subsequent quarantine were fishy at best. Besides, conspicuously absent from the NHL’s press release was any mention of negative tests for parasitic alien life forms.
Please hear me out, David Pastrnak is The Thing from John Carpenter’s 1982 film The Thing.
Clearly, the Tweet that “Pastrnak” sent out was a misguided attempt at assimilation by a being that is not of this world. It’s a tough break for the winger who had just won his first Rocket Richard Trophy and was headed for a promising career, but it could be an exciting addition for the Bruins. I am incredibly excited to see how a shape-shifting extraterrestrial organism performs under these tense playoff conditions.