What if Space Jam, but Hockey?

Space Jam is hot in the streets these days and I assume that’s because of the LeBron James money laundering scheme so that the Lakers could re-sign Anthony Davis passion project Space Jam: A New Legacy. And, while the film initially got me thinking about cap circumvention, I later started thinking about how a Space Jam-style movie would work with hockey (working title Skate Slam - y’know, to avoid litigation).

First and foremost we need a star. We need our Michael Jordan and we need to avoid our LeBron James. I’ll level with y’all, I “considered” a few other names, but given that this is a Bruins blog and I am a Bruins fan, it was always going to be David Pastrnak. He has the hockey skills necessary to aid a group of ragtag cartoons in an interplanetary battle for their souls and the charisma necessary to act against a green screen for 14-hour days without strangling his agent.

Now that that’s settled, we need our Tune Squad. Which Looney Tunes characters would fare the best in a clash of rink titans? Now, I went through the archives and watched game tape on any Looney Tunes cartoon to feature hockey or ice skating to determine who Pasta needs on his roster.

In my extensive research, I’ve determined that there really aren’t that many Looney Tunes who can definitively skate. Bugs has played hockey and has proven to be an adept multi-sport athlete, Tweety can figure skate (and also snapped a frozen Sylvester in half with an ice pick - how’s that for an enforcer?), Wile E. Coyote is some kind of speedskater, and Gossamer is pretty limber for a giant red monster so we’re going to put him in net. Lola Bunny is the best athlete in the Looney Tunes canon and she has some kind of video game where she skis. As far as I’m concerned, that’s close enough.

Those will be our starters who play the big minutes and we’ll fill out the rest of the roster with capable fill-ins from the Looney Tunes universe:

Tweety - Lola - Pastrnak

Road Runner - Daffy - Bill Murray

Speedy - Yosemite Sam - Taz

Barnyard Dog - Marvin - Witch Hazel

Bugs - Wile E.

Elmer - Porky

Granny - Hugo the Abominable Snowman

Gossamer

Foghorn Leghorn

Finally, the weird little aliens from Moron Mountain need some players from which to steal their talent. I decided, much like the original Monstars, to select players who are known either for one particular skill or quirk, a marked physical trait, or just general Hulk smash vibes. Here’s what I came up with:

Brad Marchand - Connor McDavid - Allie Thunstrom

Shiann Darkangelo - Nathan MacKinnon - Tom Wilson

Alex Ovechkin - Mark Scheifele - Madison Packer

Matthew Tkachuk - Aleksander Barkov - Ryan Reaves

Victor Hedman - Drew Doughty

Zdeno Chara - Kaleigh Fratkin

Jamie Oleksiak - Tyler Myers

Amanda Leveille

Ben Bishop

The extra forward is Nikita Kucherov - Danny DeVito managed to fit him in just under the cap. Who do y’all think wins this showdown?